The Alligators
“If you are not capable of cruelty, you are absolutely a victim to anyone who is. Part of the reason that people watch anti-heros and villains is that there’s a part of them crying out for the incorporation of the monster within them.” -Jordan Peterson
It was quite a distressing scene.
Alligators with large, velvet capes vanished and appeared before helpless, wide-eyed college students. People ran, hiding in cafeterias and student centers, ducking under tables, and running to escape the giant reptiles slewing through the campus with chilling efficiency.
They were invisible until they weren’t—suddenly emerging to capture and strike the next unlucky victim. They stood tall, on two feet, with the essence of a gladiator. The golden glow of their evil eyes was the only feature that shone through the shadows.
I was in fight mode. I had somehow gathered enough inner courage to protect the innocent strangers around me. Climbing into dark corridors and marching toward the shouts of terror, my sword was drawn and ready to attack. Occasionally, I strolled past windows where I saw the faces of my family and friends hiding, scared but huddled safely in the company of each other.
It was at that moment that I realized there were fighters, and there were bystanders.
For whatever reason, while staring into their helpless expressions, I realized I was a fighter. It didn’t make me think less of them, in fact, I understood their fear. But I had chosen to carry the responsibility of protecting the innocent–and most importantly, I had chosen to not let fear rule my life.
So I slayed and shot, (at times almost missing the alligators for the innocent person in front of me) gathered supplies throughout the campus, and persevered in the face of danger and chaos.
I’d like to think that the other fighters and I prevailed against the monsters, but the truth is I woke up before the battle was over. All I know is that, in the midst of danger, I didn’t allow myself to be overcome by fear, and that I even became somewhat a monster of myself…even if it was to try and protect the innocent.
In hindsight, I realize this was a pretty arrogant dream. After all, we’re usually the heroes of our own story. We’re the main characters and the fighters and the champions, until push comes to shove and that pesky fight or flight kicks in (I’m an honorary flight myself). Dreams find me running away plenty.
But I think there was a point to it. For whatever reason, according to my subconscious, I am the same as a giant-reptile-killing hero. Although self-important, it reveals that my inner monster, or anti-hero has perhaps locked into place–for now. So, in this scenario, instead of being a scared, innocent, helpless victim, I was able to harness the darkness inside of me to become some kind of imperfect conqueror.
In recent months I had an epiphany about how vulnerable to danger and pain I really am. Last April, I sprained my ankle longboarding and, having never broken or sprained anything before, I felt vulnerable, weak—a whole new world of danger and pain opened up to me.
Since then, I’ve realized how defenseless I am against circumstances outside of my control. Even though it was a relatively minor injury, I’m still tempted to withhold from activities, including longboarding, that would subject me to this kind of danger and pain again.
It was the reality check for me that by embracing the risk that exists around us we are always rolling the dice.
And yet, there is something about understanding this reality, and still taking calculated risks, facing danger, and wandering into the unknown that feels noble and empowering and terrifyingly freeing.
So as an introverted, clumsy, and somewhat conflict-averse person, I encourage you to take up your sword in the face of danger and fight those ugly green alligators in your life (and dreams).
Scared, weak, and conscious of the real threat as you might be, you might just win.
P.S. My boyfriend, Avery, sent me the PERFECT photo that captures the alli-gladiator’s essence flawlessly (yes, alli-gladiator is a term coined by him too). Unfortunately, I can’t post it due to copyright reasons, but if you know me, text me and ask me for it. I promise it’s worth it.
